Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize