guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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