She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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