This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
