i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
