I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
