he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Randomize
