He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
He literally asked permission to hit on me
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
