You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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