Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
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