just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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