My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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