Non-Jews are for practice
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Randomize
