her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
