how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
