just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Randomize
