I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
