I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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