Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
