Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
