peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
