i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
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