Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
i may or may not be watching the land before time
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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