she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
