Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Randomize
