How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
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