Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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