I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
