the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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