i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
That accounts for only three of the penises
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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