I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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