my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
