just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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