I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
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