You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
How naked do you want me to be?
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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