The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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