To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Randomize
