i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Randomize
