I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I don't deserve a penis
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Randomize
