Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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