I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
