I like to think it a success when the cops are called
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
