So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
