Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize