I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
