...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
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