On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Who died my cat blue again?
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
