Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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