Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
