Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
