need another drink. this is the easiest way
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Randomize
