Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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