then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
