life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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