I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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