.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Boobs are out for the taking
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
