Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
