I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
