Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
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