sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
two words...techno handjob
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
