I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Randomize
