if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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