So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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