I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Randomize
