i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Randomize
