i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
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