Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
