Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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