i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
