I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
