booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
