i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
