pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
