He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
